There’s been a mallard around the pond at our park the past few weeks. He’s all alone – he stands on the grass or sits on the water, solo. No other ducks in sight.
I don’t know much about the social habits of ducks but when I see that mallard, I’m reminded of a loneliness I’ve begun to associate with masculinity. I’m not a man, so what do I know? And certainly, not all men are lonely. But masculinity and relationality don’t seem to go together.
Masculinity seems to be in transition right now. It seems to me that traditional masculinity has become hyper-exaggerated (Die Hard, the NFL, Game of Thrones, Mad Men, man caves). There’s a book called The Stronger Women Get The More Men Love Football). But also ridiculed (King of Queens, Judd Apatow movies, Alec Baldwin, and man caves). My dad said to me a couple years ago, “It seems like all the commercials on TV show men as bumbling idiots.” Men can’t ask for directions. Men can’t multitask. Men are hopeless. When I was in college I heard this joke: Why should you get married? Because your vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
Reverse sexism does exist.
Now, men still hold most positions of power in government, business, religion, and more. (Read Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In and you won’t regret it.) But the patriarchal value system that created that reality is slowly shifting. Probably for the better, for women and for men. Are men always more fit to be leaders? Are women always more fit to be caretakers? Are men always this and women that? Shouldn’t we be encouraged to be our fullest selves first, as human beings, rather than “be a man” or aspire to “womanhood”?
Like, why can’t qualified women play professional hockey? Why do we have to have separate bathrooms (especially single user!)? Why is it we would be shocked by a man who wore a skirt to work? (OK, besides Utilikilts. And besides The Pope.) Why does Eddie Izzard look great in make up and sequins? (“Women wear what they want and so do I.”) Why do women have to be so nice to everyone all the time? It’s not that I believe men and women are the same, but that our ideals for manhood and womanhood may be more limiting than honorable.
But it’s the Boston bombings that got me thinking about this. So many perpetrators of these public acts of violence are men. Lonely men. Men struggling with identity, relationships, and isolation. Sometimes, mental illness. It will take months and years to discern more clearly what may have motivated the Tsarnaev brothers to do what they did. And yet, I notice this theme of isolation. But, other than Jennifer San Marco and Amy Bishop, it’s men who take up arms and hurt strangers. Lonely, isolated men.
I can’t pretend the only reason for a masculine tendency to violence is loneliness. But part of being a Real Man (right?) is being independent, having control over your emotions, mastering a profession, and having power over yourself and your environment. That’s impossible and emotionally damaging. And yet, those are the traits we associate with admirable Manhood. John Wayne, JFK, George Clooney, Clint Eastwood, Dick Cheney, Quentin Tarantino, and even Barack Obama. Maybe even Batman, Iron Man, and Spiderman? These are traits, also, that are linked to violence. Violence = control, glory, fame, dramatic theater, and power. In Latin cultures, they have a word for it: machismo.
Powerful, Masked, Violent… and Lonely?
This week, I tried to start reading Iron John, by John Bly, a book that came out of the men’s movement a couple decades ago. I was amazed at my disgust — my sexism. All I did was browse through a few chapters, but his words the vulnerability and emotional needs of men seemed lame and distasteful to me. My gut reaction: “What a dumb book.” In other words, I need to read this book.
Men at church have told me things like: “I prefer to work things out on my own,” when I’ve offered to meet with them or talk sometime. Or they just never answer that email, or let that conversation drop.
A woman-to-male transexual, who began his transition at 30, noticed that as his appearance became masculine, “everyone but my wife stopped touching me.”
Why are loneliness and masculinity so closely tied? (And maybe this isn’t true for gay men, as much.) What is the connection to violence? I’d like to do some more reading and thinking about this. I hope to post again about it.
